How to become a better person- 7 easy ways

Everybody wants to become a better person, besides me (I already reached perfection ten years ago, but then decided it is too boring and became human again). Well, there are seven easy ways that will help you reach your life goal of being a better person:

1. Stop eating Klondike bars

I know that they taste good, because they have this awesome chocolate shell that surrounds a heaven of yummy ice-cream that literally melts in your mouth. But eating to many of them will not make you become better, faster, or healthier, so please send those bars from now on to me instead when you have the urge to eat one.

2. Teach your children things you know

Nothing tops giving information from one generation to the other, especially if you do it. Teaching children is actually the only thing that keeps our human race alive (until the world goes down in 2012, I wonder if Sarah Palin running for office will cause it) and will also improve your life. Remember when the cop was behind you and had his lights on, ready to pull you over, but instead of stopping you kept on driving and actually got away? Yeah! Show your kid how to do that, because eventually knowledge is power!

3. Write a poem

Writing a poem is an excellent way to improve yourself, especially when you write on paper that smells like roses with real ink and a feather. Yummy… feathers. You don’t have to write a good poem, it does not have to be long, as long as you give it a try, for example:

Milk Chocolate and I will be friends forever,
Because chocolate makes me happy and clever.
In fact, it should rule the world instead of money,
Then we will live in a world full of milk and honey.

Not that great, but I am not the one who wants to be a better person.

4. Waking up at 4 am, every day.

You might deny it, but God does not like people who sleep until 7 and for sure he hates people that sleep until 12. So buying yourself an alarm clock, no, buying yourself a couple of chicken that will wake up as early as possible will make you a better person. Then you will also have time to do all the great things you were never able to do because of too much sleep, such as calling the cops on your neighbors, getting a job, or even cooking dinner.

5. Learn how to swim

I am outraged by the amount of people in this country that do not know how to swim. Guess what, the lifeguard that will rescue you will not look like Pamela Anderson, so get over it and learn how to swim. Maybe you will save a life one day with this great talent and become the great hero of your town.

6. Invent something better than post-it notes

Just joking, everybody knows that this is not possible.

7. Donate money

Whether you give tips to a waitress, throw pennies on the ground, or send me a check for my college expenses, donations will make you a better person. You will feel better about yourself because you are not acting selfish and ignorant. By giving and making other people happy, you will feel happy to. So give it a try and have fun.

Did any of you become a better person already? Thank you for reading.

How to survive your 20's

I know, I know, surviving your 20’s is very hard, especially when you live in a bad neighborhood. Some of you probably won’t believe it is possible, but I guarantee that by following a couple of these simple tips you will be able to reach the thirty birthday candles on your cake that you desire so much.

1. Hide from your parents

Parents are very dangerous for people in their 20’s, because their aggressive behavior is too unpredictable for a healthy human mind. One day they will whine about their age and make it look like it’s your fault they got old because you were the one growing up to quick. Another day they politely ask you to give them the child support money back that they paid for you, while holding a dangerous looking knife in their hand. The simple trick is to just stay away from them, because you never know what they are up to.

2. Learn how to grocery shop

This is extremely important for survival, and it is probably harder to accomplish than the tasks from our ancestors- hunting and gathering. The modern grocery store contains so many items that could easily kill you- Twinkies, sugar, peanuts… that you have to watch out what you put into the magic cart on wheels.

3. Read college textbooks without going to college

Some of you probably think that reading college textbooks without going to college is a waste of time, probably because you don’t see the benefits of it. First of all a lot of college teachers got their knowledge from the books and never really worked in a professional environment. Second of all the college charges a whole bunch of money for teachers to tell you what is in the book, and most of them still just talk about their personal life instead. So by reading college textbooks you get a free college education without paying for it. Some might say: but aren’t textbooks expensive? Not when you buy the old edition, which is even better, because than it is more like you took the class three years ago.

4. Develop a talent, such as scaring children

Every person has some type of talent hidden under their surface and finding it is essential in order to survive the boredom you will have when you are retired, that’s why it’s important to start looking now for it. Scaring children would be great for Halloween and throwing cereal at the wall with talent will make you popular at parties.

5. Limit your credit cards

Unless you want to swim in a pool of debt, because you had to have the $1000 sunglasses, limit your credit cards. This might not help you survive physically, besides that you won’t have to carry around a huge bag of debt, but also financially.

Have fun surviving your 20’s!